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Today is my oldest child’s birthday, she is 17 years old. It has been a very contemplative day for me. I’m generally a sentimental sap so I’m not too surprised. I’ve had moments of tears welling up for a few different reasons, but mostly my heart has landed on peace and the sweetness of our journey. I was 30 when I became pregnant for Riley. I found out the evening before we were to fly to Maryland for acupuncture for infertility. We waited for years to see that positive pregnancy test, and there it was. I still do not have words to describe what I felt or to describe Parker’s face when we saw that little plus sign. But I do think I have words to describe how God met me in the waiting…peace so unexplainable. 

It was not at first. I was 23 when we married and we decided right quick we were not going to prohibit a pregnancy in any way. Parker was 19 and did not want to start a family yet. He boldly proclaimed that he knew God was in charge of the creating babies business and wanted nothing to do with the side effects of commercial birth control. He was not worried one bit that God would make him a daddy one day earlier than what the Good Lord had planned. Father gave him great wisdom as my body could not handle hormone junk of any kind and there was much about birth control that we did not know then. I was amazed at his faith. And I was also convinced I would be having a baby very soon. Well, months turned into years, and Parker and God were now irritating me. A little Whitaker was not being created and my heart hurt and was anxious and angry. We eventually began the very beginning stages of infertility treatments, and it was not long before my body began reacting to the medications. I had to stop, and I finally surrended and told God He was just going to have to figure it out all by Himself! And it was then that a peace so unexplainable settled over me as if Father picked me up and said, “Thanks for recognizing that.” And He began to show me what needed to change in my life for my body to be healthy enough to support life. Of course, He could have fixed it all instantly, but we would not have had the journey together. He taught me so much during those years of waiting for our Riley Quin, and I experienced Him in some beautiful, albeit, painful ways. This was the beginning of my ‘learning to love waiting’ journey. Perhaps at another time, I will share more. 

I tell you that story to explain a little bit about why I felt so drawn to Kris Camealy’s book Come, Lord Jesus: the Weight of Waiting. For the past couple decades, God had been so present in my times of waiting that I knew if He was giving me opportunity to dig deeper into the subject, I was all in. I am so thankful He invited me and that I accepted.  It has opened up some wounds that need healing, has reinforced truth and encouraged me, and has connected me with others who share their beautiful words and stories.  Today, Mary Brack’s guest post is on Kris Camealy’s blog. 

In The Waiting


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