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I don't like myself a lot of the time. There are times when I get a glimpse of the true reflections of the nastiness of my heart. I cringe, but I am grateful that The Holy One gives me a clear picture of what needs to change. And, I am grateful that the grace of Jesus is louder than my own heart.

There's been a scenario in my life going on for almost three weeks. This scenario brings an individual into my life that has revealed a spot in my heart that must be removed. So many things this person does & asks is frankly driving me bats! My tolerance levels are dropping along with my kindness & generosity. I'm flat out irritated!

While scrolling through my feed, I see my friend has reposted a give away bringing awareness to a need in the world. A big need. I immediately brighten. I like give aways, especially with all the enticing goodies this one had. I then read the why & the tears come. My heart breaks again for people across the globe, & I jump into action sharing the post as I had been asked. I was asked to give & permission came from Father. My heart was indeed happy for the opportunity & the privilege to give. And then I think about all the things the individual in my current scenario has literally asked me for, not even monetary things, mind you. My heart didn't light up with the opportunity to give to a person who was asking for help & consideration. I was increasingly irritated with each request. I didn't see these requests as opportunities, only annoyances. Forgive me Father. Who am I to choose the value of one request over another? Opportunities were presented to me, and I did give in both situations, but with very different attitudes.

I will be very honest & tell you that I do not have difficulty parting with money. This is a grace that Father poured over me years ago, for which I am deeply grateful. I just don't dwell on it, and I know that I can depend on God's abundance. Father has made it quite clear that with financial matters, I must wait for His invitation & guidance. So, we talk a lot about this topic as there is much financial need in this world. The kicker is that I realized that I do not approach other opportunities to give with the same fervor. I fail to see opportunities sometimes right in front of me with people that God has invited me to pour into. I find more often than not that I'm stingy with my heart. For this I am deeply sorry. I am sorry that I like to choose who I am generous with. That hurts to write.

Sweet LORD,
Please change my heart in this & open my eyes to every opportunity to give, especially the ones in my very own house, my very own circle of people whom You love dearly. Thank You for grace & for Your love. Thank You for forgiveness & restoration.

And wouldn't you know that the very next time I encountered this individual, another request came. I could feel my heart smile a bit at another opportunity to give with a bit of a better attitude.

Thank You, Jesus. ❤️


I am a mess, a weeping mess overwhelmed with the pain of this world. I scroll through the feeds & come across a beautiful video full of truth. The actor lays out his heart, his whole heart for the world to see. And I pray that he will know that Jesus is real. I read the news that a performer has died, his songs digging up memories from a time I like to keep buried. Tears form with fond memories too; his voice & my own little song that I wrote based off one of his.

A text comes through asking for prayer for a young one. One I only know through a story of all that has happened to her. Her story gets darker & my heart breaks wide open. I cannot contain the weeping. I'm out in my backyard office. What if the neighbors hear me? (It wouldn't be the first time.) What if the painter in my house sees? I weep & in my heart I beg Jesus to help me. My mind goes back to the paintings of Jesus I just saw in the video. His eyes heal. "Jesus, please come heal. Heal the actor's heart, the little one's body & soul, all the ones that broke my heart open in Chicago hiding behind their cardboard signs attempting to explain their lives. Heal my friends & their babies. Heal it all, all the pain that is overwhelming my heart. Please take it away. I don't want to cry anymore."

And all this, it's a drop in the bucket! My brain cannot even go to all the rest of the world. All I can cry is Jesus. My office doesn't have a tissue box, only the vintage table cloth, so I must venture into my house. Can I get by the painter without him seeing my snotty face?

And then Jesus comes softly. I notice the trashes need emptying, so I empty them. The pans from Monday's dinner still need to be cleaned. Baked-on butter & olive oil must be scoured from my glass baking pans. So I scour, and I hear Him whisper, "This you can fix. Keep scrubbing, they will come clean. You know I've already told you that in this world there will be trouble. Take heart, dear one, I HAVE OVERCOME the world. I know part of your heartache is that you know I could have stopped it all & that I can fix it all. You know I'm working through it all too. You do what's in front of you. Keep talking to me. Keep writing. Keep scrubbing. Keep knitting & crocheting. Keep trusting me. I love you & I love them. And never stop weeping for them."

So I write it all out & ponder if I am to share this. Fern, my tattered & torn squirrel sits at the feeder. I can feed her, so I do. And I exhale. I exhale knowing that God doesn't have to explain anything to me. Yet, He meets me every time, each day. He invites me into the pain so I pray. And maybe, somehow, it comforts somebody to know that I am weeping with them. And He gives me things I can do when I feel so very helpless. He meets me – comes to me – every single day. I am grateful.


When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way. Lamentations 3:28-33

Yesterday Kris shared another guest post on her blog, and honestly I was not able to really sit and read it until this morning. And yet again, God’s timing is perfect. It. Always. Is. 

To be perfectly honest, today is a sad day for me. Never, in all the years of voting, have I left a poll barely able to restrain sobs. I could not hide the tears that rolled down my face as I made my way quickly to the car. I didn’t have to explain to the kind gentleman offering the “I voted” sticker why I refused it, I think he understood my tears. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to voting or stickers. Although, as a rule, I don’t like stickers on my clothes and I’m quite sure there’s a much better use of money than buying stickers. I’m sure I’m a disappointment to many with these words, but I just don’t buy into the idea that what I did today makes much of a difference. Maybe in the past it did, I hope so but I honestly don’t know. I’m sharing my heart here, so take it for what you will. It won’t be long before the losing side claims that the voting was corrupt or fixed or whatever. By no means is this all over at the end of the day. I am grateful to live here and ever so thankful for the freedoms we have, but quite aware we cannot take those for granted. Those freedoms are not guaranteed. I generally don’t let these things get me down, I know God is in charge and aware. I’m actually very excited to see what He has planned. I trust Him. I do not trust our system or the people in it. We know it’s not perfect, but it’s what we have. So, as a “good American”, I did my duty. And I’m just sad, so I let the sobs come thanking Him for such a way to release and heal. 

I came home and read what I had set aside for today and this passage from Lamentations hugs my heart. I also love how it is said in the NIV ’84:

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.  Lamentations 3:28-33

My tears and frustration and doubt are welcome in the arms of God. He bends low and holds me close reminding me that He knows what He is doing and that my true freedom is in Christ which cannot be taken by anybody. He is so very present & working in the waiting of everything in this world. He cannot be removed and He is not defined by outcomes in this earthly realm. And I can add yet another entry in my eucharisteo journal – voting with tears in the 2016 Presidential Election. 


Yesterday, Mandy Lawrence-Hill shared her insights on what God does in the waiting. It’s a beautiful testament of our God. 

http://kriscamealy.com/the-gift-of-waiting/



Fifty-seven days ago, I started posting pictures that brought me joy on Instagram after reading another’s post inviting people to look for & post the “joy”in their lives. It’s been fun, joyful even. 😊 There have been days in which I did not feel like posting anything. However, the whole point of the challenge is to look for the joys of life, especially on the days we’re not feeling it. Even if we’re not feeling it for really good reasons. Such was the case yesterday. 
Day 56/100 #100daysoffindingjoy this little guy crawled right into my “finding joy” picture and helped me to smile today. Planted these last night and knew I wanted to feature them today. Having a hard time feeling joy today given the events happening on this globe. The most publicized in my corner of the globe is the shooting in Orlando. And the more I see in the media, the sadder I become. Sad because it happened and people are hurting and just gone, sad because the editorials I see just reinforce the divisions among people, sad because death and destruction are just a part of our reality and many, many people are destroyed daily but never get any media coverage. My heart just hurts for the hurts of this world. I was reminded today that Jesus told us that in this world we will have troubles, but to take heart because He has overcome this world. So I rest in that and in Him. And I pour out my requests for those hurting and my frustration of all that will be said in social media because of this tragedy and I find joy in the life of beautiful plants and bright green insects and in the security of knowing that God is God and that I don’t have to understand or even have answers. #100dayproject #1000gifts #eucharisteo #succulents #gardens

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