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I am a mess, a weeping mess overwhelmed with the pain of this world. I scroll through the feeds & come across a beautiful video full of truth. The actor lays out his heart, his whole heart for the world to see. And I pray that he will know that Jesus is real. I read the news that a performer has died, his songs digging up memories from a time I like to keep buried. Tears form with fond memories too; his voice & my own little song that I wrote based off one of his.

A text comes through asking for prayer for a young one. One I only know through a story of all that has happened to her. Her story gets darker & my heart breaks wide open. I cannot contain the weeping. I'm out in my backyard office. What if the neighbors hear me? (It wouldn't be the first time.) What if the painter in my house sees? I weep & in my heart I beg Jesus to help me. My mind goes back to the paintings of Jesus I just saw in the video. His eyes heal. "Jesus, please come heal. Heal the actor's heart, the little one's body & soul, all the ones that broke my heart open in Chicago hiding behind their cardboard signs attempting to explain their lives. Heal my friends & their babies. Heal it all, all the pain that is overwhelming my heart. Please take it away. I don't want to cry anymore."

And all this, it's a drop in the bucket! My brain cannot even go to all the rest of the world. All I can cry is Jesus. My office doesn't have a tissue box, only the vintage table cloth, so I must venture into my house. Can I get by the painter without him seeing my snotty face?

And then Jesus comes softly. I notice the trashes need emptying, so I empty them. The pans from Monday's dinner still need to be cleaned. Baked-on butter & olive oil must be scoured from my glass baking pans. So I scour, and I hear Him whisper, "This you can fix. Keep scrubbing, they will come clean. You know I've already told you that in this world there will be trouble. Take heart, dear one, I HAVE OVERCOME the world. I know part of your heartache is that you know I could have stopped it all & that I can fix it all. You know I'm working through it all too. You do what's in front of you. Keep talking to me. Keep writing. Keep scrubbing. Keep knitting & crocheting. Keep trusting me. I love you & I love them. And never stop weeping for them."

So I write it all out & ponder if I am to share this. Fern, my tattered & torn squirrel sits at the feeder. I can feed her, so I do. And I exhale. I exhale knowing that God doesn't have to explain anything to me. Yet, He meets me every time, each day. He invites me into the pain so I pray. And maybe, somehow, it comforts somebody to know that I am weeping with them. And He gives me things I can do when I feel so very helpless. He meets me – comes to me – every single day. I am grateful.

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It’s been many many years since I have made a New Year’s Resolution. I have done various reflection activities and chosen verses and words for given years, which I’m doing this year as well. I’ll write more on that someday. But I am excited to report that this year’s resolution is to walk every single day no matter what or weather or where. It doesn’t sound life altering or even exciting, but it is. It is exciting because I can. Since about 2013, I have struggled physically with a sort of nameless dysfunction. It falls under autoimmune disorders but I don’t have a specific name to give you. It also wasn’t just one thing, but I’m going to spare you lots of boring details. Let’s just say, there were many days in the last 4 years when I could not physically take a walk, I could not stand to do dishes, I could not lift my arms to knit. I could sit or lie down for most of the day. On days when I could move about, I may get only part way through a walk before my man would run home and get the car or my daughter would come get me. My son still asks before we head off to town on foot if I’m sure I won’t crash. If we are going up steps, I notice my teens check back over their shoulders or reach back to grab my hand or arm to make sure I’m gonna make it to the top. Tears come as I realize how early they’ve had to care for their not-so-old-Momma. And they’ve done it very well. 

I wasn’t looking for a resolution, it just kind of came quietly as I realized how much I was desiring to move and exercise. Over the last few months I’ve actually been able to work out and move so much more without having major ‘crashes’. I haven’t had to nap in months. Huge! (more tears) So at the very end of December I decided I would walk every day for at least 10 minutes no matter the weather. And the super fantastic thing is I’ve even gone all by my own self a couple times! And I did not worry that I would have to call for a rescue from my family. I feel like such a big girl now. And I’m generally out for longer than 10 minutes too. And I shoveled today, the hard stuff at the end of driveway after the plow comes by even! I’m getting carried away, & I promise not to give a play by play of every physical activity I do via social media. 😊 I am just so thrilled and grateful that God has given me back the ability to move more than I could. It’s not where I was once was, and I’m really ok with that. I am happy to do what I can right now. Last night was a short walk because I felt like I was coming down with what my son has been fighting for a few days. I wanted to walk more, but I listened to the Holy One as He whispered it was enough. I needed to rest. Today I got to tromp through snow, which is about one of my favorite things to do. This whole journey has been amazing because God took my focus off just getting better and put it right on HIM. Today was fun walking with Him through my neighborhood, but I’m reminded that it was also pretty amazing to know He was right there with me when I couldn’t move from the hammock swing and had to wait for Parker to carry me in the house. 

I walk everyday cuz I can, & I think He wants to celebrate that with me. But what I love the best is that whether I’m walking or napping, alive or dead, my Jesus is with me going through every part of all eternity with me ALWAYS. Nothing can separate me from HIM. Yeah, I’m way excited about that. 


When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way. Lamentations 3:28-33

Yesterday Kris shared another guest post on her blog, and honestly I was not able to really sit and read it until this morning. And yet again, God’s timing is perfect. It. Always. Is. 

To be perfectly honest, today is a sad day for me. Never, in all the years of voting, have I left a poll barely able to restrain sobs. I could not hide the tears that rolled down my face as I made my way quickly to the car. I didn’t have to explain to the kind gentleman offering the “I voted” sticker why I refused it, I think he understood my tears. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to voting or stickers. Although, as a rule, I don’t like stickers on my clothes and I’m quite sure there’s a much better use of money than buying stickers. I’m sure I’m a disappointment to many with these words, but I just don’t buy into the idea that what I did today makes much of a difference. Maybe in the past it did, I hope so but I honestly don’t know. I’m sharing my heart here, so take it for what you will. It won’t be long before the losing side claims that the voting was corrupt or fixed or whatever. By no means is this all over at the end of the day. I am grateful to live here and ever so thankful for the freedoms we have, but quite aware we cannot take those for granted. Those freedoms are not guaranteed. I generally don’t let these things get me down, I know God is in charge and aware. I’m actually very excited to see what He has planned. I trust Him. I do not trust our system or the people in it. We know it’s not perfect, but it’s what we have. So, as a “good American”, I did my duty. And I’m just sad, so I let the sobs come thanking Him for such a way to release and heal. 

I came home and read what I had set aside for today and this passage from Lamentations hugs my heart. I also love how it is said in the NIV ’84:

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.  Lamentations 3:28-33

My tears and frustration and doubt are welcome in the arms of God. He bends low and holds me close reminding me that He knows what He is doing and that my true freedom is in Christ which cannot be taken by anybody. He is so very present & working in the waiting of everything in this world. He cannot be removed and He is not defined by outcomes in this earthly realm. And I can add yet another entry in my eucharisteo journal – voting with tears in the 2016 Presidential Election. 


Yesterday, Mandy Lawrence-Hill shared her insights on what God does in the waiting. It’s a beautiful testament of our God. 

http://kriscamealy.com/the-gift-of-waiting/


This quote from Come, Lord Jesus: the Weight of Waiting seeps right into my heart this Tuesday morning.  It often, sometimes daily, FEELS as if I’m still captive to my sin and brokenness.  It does today if I may be so transparent.  I scrolled through the quotes from this beautiful Advent book, and Jesus had me rest on this one.  Regardless of my feelings, I am not imprisoned by my sin or my brokenness.  I am captivated by the HOPE of Jesus – of His first coming as a babe in a crèche, of His promised return, and the reality that He walks this present day with me.  Not only does His hope seep deep in the brokenness of my physical body and heart, HE Himself penetrates and surrounds and goes before and brings up the rear.  And I am left to praise Him.

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